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As a constant disappointment to myself and others I find my bursts of confidence to be overwhelming. These delusional confident triumphs don’t come without their own share of self conscious mind maggots. It’s often maddening thinking about times I’ve been happy or naive around those closest to me who are quietly cringing. I can’t tell what’s worse or bothers me more. My own behavior and starting to believe I’m surrounded with love acceptance and like mindedness , or the confusing participants scoffing behind my back. I can’t make you like me, but I’ll always feel like I need to try. Sure, I can make you feel good, but do you even like who I am?
Even if you do like me, I’ll feel like I need to reiterate or remind you why you like me. It’s exhausting. The truth is, I assume everyone I meet immediately does not like me, probably because I don’t think that I like me.
Maybe I’m paranoid.
Maybe I typed” like me “too much in this caption.
I wish I could say I’m happy without external validation, but I’d be lying just like you.

*use headphones* “I See Me” - A self made vertical short film I put together for a contest back in 2021. The entirety of this project took me around 3 days. 1 to write and prep, 1 to film, 1 to edit and finalize. It was my first attempt at branching out from walking around under street lights smoking cigarettes as I started to see other people begin to do the same and I wanted to see if I could do something harder to replicate. The message and story in the video is based off of a very personal and scary experience I had. It has its flaws, and like all of my videos, it was shot and built entirely alone. My budget was around $50-$100 including my gas to get out to locations. I like it better without the captions, and I designed it to be listened to with headphones to truly experience it. There are some audio problems. Again, I’m not expert. Not trained. No schooling. Not an actor. Just a regular guy. This was just for fun. I hope some of you enjoy. It is too long to be an Instagram Reel. So whoever runs into this, happy to find you here. Thanks for watching. It’s quite long, and you’re on Instagram right now, so you’re probably itching to get to the next post within 21 seconds max, so if you made it to the end. Thanks.

Will you accept the charges?
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A vertical short that had the audio taken away. So here it is again.

I wear my consequences in the folds of my face. I’ve become so lost in this act, so desperate to please, in a cycle of breaking and recovering, breaking and recovering. I’m not sure I even know who I am anymore. What do I like?
What makes me feel alive? I can’t really remember. It all just sounds like noise now.
Maybe I don’t even like music. I wouldn’t know.
The feelings change depending on who’s around me.
…..
#reddeadonline #cinema #gothgirl

Yeah, I’m thinkin I’m back.

…….
shot helped by @mackbates_
#fyp #art #film #johnwick

This is not Ai.
“If I’m not having a soul crushing dream about my ex girlfriend that I’ll never get over whose face becomes a little more unfamiliar with each visit, I often dream about a house.
I don’t recognize the house but the house recognizes me.�The rooms are painted in weightless guilt and the walls fall apart with each hall I walk through until I reach the front door and the house has fallen to nothing and I realize maybe it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to make mistakes trying to hold together the only place that felt safe.�Then I wake up. ”

Should’ve been better

Five years of the disappearing act plagues my mind again. When did the clutches of mediocrity become a crutch for me? I was always so wrapped up in the idea that things would eventually smooth over in my life. Like I’d get to wake up eventually and not only feel like I’m waiting for this alternate life I’ve promised myself to show up. How is it that I can conjure up these colorful delusions of grandeur just before I finally let the sleep take over at four a.m only to be surprised with cement hands and grey blood the following morning. Unable to even think about the mountain necessary to do what I thought was my destiny the night before. Now that I’m awake, even laundry feels impossible. Let alone chasing after what I don’t feel is truly achievable. I thought getting older was supposed to fix this. It’s only made it worse. I don’t have much, and I try to be grateful; but I look in the mirror and I can’t help but feel like an ugly spoiled child. I throw tantrums at nothing, and my performative gratefulness is shadowed with demonic slurs telling me I am better, I should be prettier, I am more than them, I am, inevitable. Then I wake up again.

I should’ve been better.

Could use a coffee.

Just wanted to sell a TV, now I’m singing R&B.
The second half of this conversation is even crazier. I was able to make this song with my own vocals and @sunomusic - you just plug in your text, and it took this confusing marketplace conversation I had and made it worth it. #suno #meme

Clocks ticking normie.
Remind us why they name storms after people.